Jenny here.
Day +1353: I know, it’s
been too long. Today though, is just a
quick, in the moment update.
I am a day dreamer by nature. As a kid I would lay on the grass in the
summer and watch the clouds. Still today,
if I have an extra hour at my office, I might lay on the couch and look out the
window. I also have a view from my 8th
floor desk at my cube job. It just
brings me peace to look out at the expansive sky and wonder.
I need alone time to think, even though I am an extrovert,
and time to process. I am an overanalyze
and research forever…but even so, I have a strong internal compass and when I
decide to do something, and I feel it’s right, I don’t hesitate to act.
Lately we have just been feeling so connected to life and
overwhelmed, in the good ways that are full of love and light. We have been quietly moving along in healing. Some days easier than others. Cancer made any thoughts of fertility a
scientific experiment, with no guarantees, extreme expenses, and with the
anxiety of cancer coming back… a major hesitation. So our ideas of family life have started to
shift to what family life is in the now versus what we thought it would
be.
There is a lot of grief and heavy lifting in moving your
dreams along towards change. It feels
more like pushing a 5 ton rock up a gravel road than some sort of
transformative, spiritual experience of lightness. It’s tiring and lonely.
During cancer, a quote I kept at my desk was, “Bak skyene er
himmelen alltid bla,” a Norwegian sentiment that translates to “behind the
clouds there is always blue sky.” I have
hung on to that simple statement. The
blue is there, it will appear in time.
Even when you are tired and lonely, just hold on.
And this week it did, on Father’s Day, in the form of fur.
We would like to introduce to you all, KYLO.
Side note: Yes, yes,
THAT Kylo, as in a reference to Star Wars.
But not because he is bad. In
fact he’s pure sweetness. Our first date
was to Episode One, so you know, for life our marriage is connected to Star
Wars. But hang with me for a minute…Don’t
you think if Kylo Ren had had the chance to have a secure attachment to his
mother and father and not be shipped off, he may have built healthier
relationships, been able to feel more compassion, and cope with difficult feelings
in less deadly ways? Our little Kylo was
dumped off at the Dallas Shelter (a kill shelter), ears full of ticks. He was so distressed they put him up front by
reception where they jokingly said he was a cry baby. All the other dogs we had looked at were not available. Then there he was! Crying, just wanting to be held. I am hopeful with the right attachment,
security, and attention from us, our little Kylo will avoid the dark side…Folks,
this is what happens when you take a social worker to a Sci-Fi movie! My questions/comments are NEVER the same kind
of questions Wil has after watching films!
In Latin, caelo (Kylo) is also the dative form of the word caelum,
meaning sky. He is in fact, not the baby
we thought we would have, but he is a little one who needs care and a home, and
our hearts are pretty happy right now having him around. He’s our blue sky, behind all the clouds.
So far we are settling in and getting used to each
other. I am certain the love will grow
from the tolerance we now share, just a few days into this adventure. Wil is enjoying, for the first time ever,
being the point person for dog training and house breaking since he’s home all
the time. He’s so happy. For real. (Just wait for all the pics and videos!)
Kylo is not what we went looking for and, other than being a
Chihuahua mix, didn’t really check off any boxes we had going in…but he’s just good
enough, in the right ways. And we are just
good enough in the ways he needs. And
when a family of good enough comes together?
Even from the brokenness, that’s where REAL magic can grow.
Much Love.
