Plans

Jenny here.

Despite my life always reminding me that plans are actually more so meant to be broken than followed I, too, get caught up in making them, and find myself in equal amounts of surprise as heartbreak. 

2019 has not been unique.  It has been another year of searching and only sometimes finding.  We are working on some things, but finding as many roadblocks, or at least detours, as nicely paved road.  I know I keep saying it, but the truth is, post cancer life is just plain hard in all the edges we bump up against.  There are always more tests, more bills, more reminders that the life we had planned, the life we keep trying to re-plan, is not our own or promised.  Perhaps some other time, I will get into all that in greater depth—this process of constantly unbecoming.  I know I am not alone.  We can all find ourselves at this same place, cancer just ups the intensity and speed.  

For now, life is a lot of the same on paper, Wil is still working on school and dealing with his chronic pain with grace.  He is working part-time at the campus, and while it has been a big transition adding that to life (and tiring), he is a happier person because of it.    

I am working too much, yet not enough to keep up with all we would like to accomplish.  Yet, I am making some time for things that fill me, continuing work on my EMDR certification, seeing Pitbull as often as possible in concert, eating tacos, and cuddling with our dogs.

We’ve moved in the last week, rather unexpectedly, to a new place in our same zip code, but out of an apartment and into a 4-plex that feels more like home (same square footage but larger kitchen and bathroom).  The dogs now have a yard and more windows.  Tyson’s health is being watched closely right now, which I cannot quite wrap my head around as he is my true partner in crime around here…the dog that saw me through losing Bella, through months upon months of coming home without Wil, late nights, tears, and mutual graying hair over it all.  So the move, may be me partially trying to give T-bone the peace he needs and deserves as he hopefully ages a few more years.  Because, you know, I have planned for him to be around another 5 years (if not forever).  PLANS.

Five years y’all.

Five years of life being the most brilliant and heart wrenching time of our lives. 

Five years ago, between chemo-cation inpatient stays at UTSW, we did a bucket list thing—we took bluebonnet photos.  Honestly, not knowing if we would ever take them again.  A month later our chihuahua Bella died.  And since, my only regret of those photos were not having the dogs there with us.  Every year since we have made our way to Ennis, TX to enjoy an afternoon in the sun, surrounded by a sea of purples, blues, and orange.  Snapping a few pictures of our time with the pups.  It is my favorite time in Texas, not only because of the beautiful wildflowers, but because of the triumph of somehow delaying death another year.  Wil plans to live a long time.  My heart lets me move in shorter spans of time than him, but it lets me look ahead now.

Side note:  Looking ahead is both harrowing and hopeful.  The two states overlap, almost always.

So we did a thing. We set a date with a photographer, Stolen Moose, harnessed up all three dogs last Saturday, and we drove to Ennis, TX.  The only plan, to document year 5 of somehow surviving.  Of continually learning how to love each other (over and over and over again) through all the twists and turns.  We are not the same people we were 6 years ago, so clearly we are not the same partnership either. And yet?  We keep choosing each other.  Keep struggling together.  Laughing together.  Fighting.  Resting in each other's company.  Despite all the plans that haven’t come to be, and may never be.  We keep choosing to dust ourselves off and push forward (perhaps after some margaritas and tacos, sob fests, or general periods of retreat, apathy, and agony). 

And in the moments I am pretty certain I can’t go on?  The universe finds me a song to hold on to until I can again.  And I take out photos like these, and realize I am, somehow, living some terrific moments, even if they are mostly, or almost completely, not in my plan at all.

Walking into, not away from...

Much Love.

"Let Go of Your Plans" by Lukas Nelson & Promise of the Real

I ain't really trying to force anything
I ain't really trying to force your love on me
If you want to be a friend to me
Don't be afraid of telling me what you thinking

Cause if you think you wanna live with me
Lie with me, and float down the river of life
Don't ask me to swim upstream
I already tried and I nearly died

Don't be afraid of change
Everybody's gotta let go of something
Don't be afraid of change
Take my hand
Let go of your plans
Let go of your plans

Sing a song along the hill country river
Keep you warm when you start to shiver
Simple things I'm gonna do for you
I don't think twice to do it cause I want to

And if you think you wanna ride with me
Jump on a horse and outrun the future
Well then you better learn to love the wind
And keep your hat when it changes direction

Don't be afraid of change
Everybody's gotta let go of something
Don't be afraid of change
Take my hand
Let go of your plans
Let go of your plans

Don't be afraid of change
Everybody's gotta let go of something
Don't be afraid of change
Take my hand
Let go of your plans