Rooted

Jenny here.

Today would have been my dad's 62nd birthday. For many reasons he is why Wil's journey has been intensely reminiscent of my childhood, while also giving me the tools I've needed to keep going. He's the parts of me that are courageously optimistic, at times, and strongly sentimental. Crazy goofy. Fiercely loyal. He was a one of a kind and led me to find another one of a kind guy.

I miss you, dad, for so many reasons.

It's been a big week here for us.  A friend stole me away for a day in Austin to see Wicked again. We had several family members visiting from Minnesota (what could be better then several days of slumber parties with your grandma and reconnecting with an aunt and uncle) and my sister and niece from El Paso.  And Wil was readmitted for chemo cocktail B this week.  I feel like I am just coming down off a vacation or something...then back to the world of cancer and work.  You know that feeling you have when you come back to real life after being gone on a great trip?  That kind of satisfied yet "blah" feeling?  I think that's where we are at this week.

Wil admitted at UTSW on Tuesday afternoon. For round B, before they can start the 24 hour MTX infusion, his body has to be above a certain PH to protect his kidney function. Being the good kids that we are, we followed the instructions and Wil did 2 days of sodium bicarbonate every 4 hours so his PH would be right at the time he admitted. It's starting to get funny these days when the doctors say "are you sure you took the pills?" because at admit his urine still showed a 4.5 PH.  Yes, he took them. No, Wil's body didn't react the way others would.  This meant delaying the start of chemo and pumping him full of both pill and liquid sodium bicarbonate. For 24 hours Wil was giving samples every few hours until he reached the magic number.

The PT was training in a new employee yesterday morning and introduced Wil as their "rare and delicate flower" of the floor. We all laughed. Wil is just...unique. The word he has always used for himself seems to be validated at every turn.

So far he is tolerating this round well and will be on to 2 other chemo drugs this afternoon, following the end of the 24 hour MTX at 1pm, including another spinal tap chemo tonight.  My flower is still continuing to thrive, his spirits better this week after our company.  Rooted.

I have always loved the musical Wicked. Who doesn't get chills and tears during the defying gravity act?  That has always been my favorite moment. That, nothing can stop me, limitless, inspirational moment in the show.  This time though, it was during the song "For Good" that my heart melted more. Yes, it's always been a great moment in the show as well. But on a day with family flying in, on a trip a friend stole me away on, less then a week from my dad's birthday...the words "I'm limited" in the song no longer were a damper on the high flying magic of defiance in the first act. Those words gave me a chill. And they melted me into tears.

To defy the odds.  To be changed. To make an impact. To soar.  To be and do and succeed...these things always require more than just a set of circumstances. With it, the added element of goodness from others is how we grow and make it. None of us are born into this world by ourselves. We were meant to be in relationships and our lives expand because of those relationships. Like it or not, we all need each other.

I'm not saying anything new or profound here.  But surrendering yourself to the gift of family and friendships is where change does take root.  We are all still required to push forward, up and out of the ground we come from, but our roots continue to deliver to us the needed nourishment in the process.

I'm ever so limited these days. We rely on others each and every day to help with dogs, bills, treatment, encouragement. I'm limited but surrounded by people who fill in the gaps. It's my limited-ness, and work to accept that....

Who can say if cancer will change us for the better, but change us forever?  Yes.

Today my sister's and I will hold a glass of rootbeer, dad's favorite beverage, and toast the guy we miss.  Our original root. But we are not without strength because he's not here to celebrate his birthday with us...we are still grounded by the other relationships that have grown in the space he left, the space that fills in with those we now depend on...and with each other.

I guess its not cancer that has changed us for good...it's all the people and arms around us in the last few months that keep us strong and keep us growing that continue to change us and open us. And, at least for me, I can say without a doubt...because of it, I have been changed for the better.    And all thanks to "rooted limited-ness," we can continue to fight to defy the odds.