Gravity

"The most profound joy has more of gravity than gaiety in it."  Michel de Montaigne

I've been feeling the weight of things on me the past few days. I like to take charge. Yet, so much of every day has so little to offer me in terms of ways I can control. I laid in bed next to him this morning. Quiet. Peaceful moments. Mornings I need at least 18,250 more of. As we laid there, I couldn't help but let the tears stream down my face. I see the worry in his face. Even as sick as he is, despite his own pain with every movement, the husband in him doesn't want me hurting. As he pulls me into the orbit of his arms, I just can't fathom a solar system without his sunshine.  We both want to fix things for each other. But there is only waiting. Weighty waiting as we hold onto each other and to faith.  Most of this journey is about giving over in ways I had not imagined. 

The chemo has really kicked Wil hard this time. We were at clinic two days straight to try and pump him up with blood to just keep him going. Even after the first transfusions on Tuesday, his hemoglobin was even lower the next day.  Most CBC levels are just plain low right now. So we will be back for more blood on Friday and probably adding some platlets to the list as well. We have come to know the telltale signs of low counts. Labored breathing, fatigue, bruising all over the body. Although the blood draws confirm things, we already know to pack a lunch and for me to tell work I may or may not be able to come in that day. 

Transfusion days...It's hours of sleeping for him, hours of thinking for me. Yesteray he woke up and asked why I was quiet. When I said it was because he had been sleeping, he said that had never stopped me before!  He had his semi-serious face on and said, "truth."  Banter is a little more rare these days as the exhaustion has taken over. Now that he reads these blogs nothing is "secret" anymore (hi sweetie!). I do so love him giving me trouble. 

I know he gets tried of my photo taking. I have this fear though that I will regret not taking more if I stop. I just will never have enough memories of each point in time. He's left me no other option than to snap photos ninja style now. I think they speak more than you may hear out of him or get from my descriptions. 

There is little I can do to take the pain away. I struggle with this so much lately. I want to be able to give him so much more. Someone said to me at clinic, "you have the weight of the world on you."  But a quick google search let me know that, scientifically, this statement is kind of a sham...a linguistically improper question about this planet we are on. Soon I was down the internet rabbit hole, reading things I have no business reading because, frankly, science class was a long time ago and I never took physics. Words like mass, gravitational attraction, F=G(M1*M2/R2), force...if you can define those than more power to you!  I figured I needed to look a little deeper and relate it to what I know as someone who works with people...relationships. I was looking for a word to define my station in life at this moment, a way to explain to you all how we feel. What stood out for me, what stirred my heart, brought tears to my eyes as I huddled in my desk cube at work last night hoping no one would see my desperation...it wasn't a social worky word. The word of where I am with Wil's diagnosis and with relationships...it's Gravity. 

Gravity:  noun

1.  Force that attracts a body towards any other body having mass

2.  Extreme importance, seriousness

3.  Solemnity of manner

Ever since I was pulled into Wil's gravitational attraction, my life changed. Wil and I don't like to rely on anyone but us. Yet as each day passes we are dependent on, and pulled toward, others at every move. You, our wonderful significants in this journey have helped us stay sane, pay bills, hugged us near and far. The universe has forced us to a place of dependence. Of humbleness. Every day I put my trust, my most precious human being, in the hands of others. I sometimes envision out stretching my arms and releasing Wil to them, hoping and praying he is pulled into their life changing force.  We are simply designed to need each other in this life. We can pretend otherwise but we only survive if we let ourselves be pulled close to each other. Gravity is what grounds us. The force of attraction and dependence is what keeps our feet planted. From the moment we make our appearance into this world and until the moment we die, we can't survive this life alone. 

It's been the conversation of the day for Wil and me. How we have been pushed and pulled at every turn relationship wise lately. Some people, even close friends and family, we have tried to pull into our journey simply don't come close, they stay at a distance. Sir Isaac Newton, with all his falling apples, described gravity as mutual attraction between any two bodies in the universe. Its heart wrenching to feel the loneliness that, for whatever reason, our gravitational attraction, our mass, is not equal or reciprocated by those we had expected to depend on....While others we would have not expected have lovingly wrapped us up in thoughts, prayers, and assistance. Leukemia has definitely had its surprises. 

  

We have been offered a clinical trial that is amazing. Only 5 people from our area will be chosen and only 36 in the country. In Europe they have had good results already, but the new med is not FDA approved here yet. Cutting edge. It's the reason we came to UTSW. The trial takes what Wil already needs, a bone marrow transplant, and makes it a better outcome. Less wait time because they can use an imperfect relative match vs hoping and waiting on an anonymous donor. Less recovery time. Less chances he will need steroids again (do you all remember what steroids did to him on a 28 day protocol?  Imagine a whole year of those things...I'm not sure he could tolerate it). And a real fighting chance to beat this thing. No more 30-35% survival rate. With this trial we are looking at 60% or more. Of crossing over that line of more people in his same situation living vs dying. The gravity, seriousness, of his disease instantly improved...his chances of life, of me having a husband to come home to for years to come, almost doubled. 

There is only one catch. We cannot do it alone. We are dependent on someone else to be that donor.  To allow themselves to be pulled into our journey. We are waiting for a gravitational attraction to occur, for the force of love, attraction, between two mass bodies to be strong enough to pull this off. 

Gravity. Force. Extreme importance. Solemnity.  Please pray, keep us lifted in thoughts. But more importantly, speak out to the universe, to the heavens, that gravity won't fail us now, in our greatest time of need.