Burly

Jenny here. 

If a picture is normally worth a thousand words, this one is definitely worth a lot more to me. 

It says:  Struggle. Hope. Pain. Promise. Life. Death. Fear. And every other emotion word you can think of times a million. It's both humbling and overwhelming to be honest. 

Today, day +100, comes calmly. I texted Wil at midnight. "Day 100!"  And we talked about so many feelings on my way home from work at 2am. Deeply intimate. Which isn't always code for easy or lovely. How our journey is a reflection of the great marriage we have had but also of the stumbles every couple deals with...how much our relationship has grown and changed...the forging acceptance of each other in the moment for what each of us has to give. Committed always. 

I wish I had more energy to give him. He wishes he had more energy to give me. We are learning to embrace the imperfection of ourselves through this process. But we have no doubt we give our all...and that may not feel like enough at times but it's everything...expending yourself for another, sacrifices of love, to me, means we are doing something right. No regrets Wil. No regrets. 

Side note:  one year ago tomorrow he discharged from the SNF. An unimaginable time in our life. This month has already outdone last year by leaps and bounds!  We were only a few months in to this new life, post diagnosis. I was a wee baby caregiver and barely paddling. Today we quietly celebrated with a few friends and family. Played some Heads Up. Laughed. Rested our weary hearts. 

Today we are happy. And everything else imaginable. In this marathon of leukemia and transplant we are at an early mile marker yet. It might not seem like it to others, but we aren't at the middle. Twenty-one more months to go until we can break through the magical "finish" tape of better odds...the stats keep changing as time goes on, as complications emerge or don't emerge.  About 80% of post transplant folks that make it to the second anniversary are alive another 15-20 years. I plan to squeeze Wil dry of moments and days. How ever long!

Today. He's here. He's alive. He's still a burly contender. 

Day +100 contentment. Seeing the road behind, the possible roads ahead. 

Next big stops are biopsy and test results on February 3, 2015. His 42nd birthday.  It will be a memorable day no matter what news we hear. And then on to the 6 month mark in April.  Reasons why I wake up unable to sleep again lately. Reasons why we are still in the fight. 

I'd take this match and him again and again.  

On the wall, in the above photo of us, there's an empty picture frame. We've had it for years. Large. Ornate. I bought it for a few dollars years ago, cheap because it was damaged, and hung it as is. It stays empty and imperfect to remind us of this:  our days, this life, remains unwritten. Open. Burly, heavy...but still intricately beautiful. 

Ready to be filled. Ready to still be used. 

Much love.