Asymmetrical Love

"The measure of love is to love without measure". Francis de Sales

Jenny here. Being it Valentine's Day, the subject of love is all over the place--media, signs, FB, menus, and people's minds. Everyone seems to measure relationships and love and worth on key holidays like today. 

Wil and I have never been much for celebrating February 14th. We aren't anti V-day. If you haven't noticed I'm completely smitten with the dude. So we haven't taken some stand against the commercialism of the day. We just prefer no crowds, discount flowers, and clearance chocolate. We're strategic!  In years past we would celebrate a few days later, living high off the post holiday sales prices....enjoying an empty restaurant meal. This year we may catch a movie at some point next week...or maybe not!  Life is all about home right now. 

This past week has been quiet for the most part. Wil's counts and numbers continue to either remain steady or improve.  That crumby CMV virus is now undetectable again. We are on the weening period with his last immunosuppressant med. We are holding steady and that means clinic visits are more spread out. It makes for a disorientation of days, for me at least, since we've had a pretty consistent clinic schedule for months now. 

His oncologist doesn't believe the skin rash is GvHD, but maybe that his skin oil glands are attempting to work again. The rash is still there though--itchy, bothersome thing that it is. And no amount of coconut oil or lotion keeps it hydrated. 

In addition, his skin this week has occasionally, each day, started to have a spreading, stinging sensation that has him crippled over in pain for 5-10 minutes. We had an impromptu check- in at clinic on Friday. It's not shingles. It's not anything specific at this point. No ER needed. The only real way, it seems, to get more info on it would be a skin biopsy. But no one is jumping to that just yet. For now, crossing fingers it will improve over time. 

With the days spreading out between appointments, me with more sleep and energy and time, I'm starting to do a few little things for myself. I'm taking on a few new clients. Picking back up with hobbies. Enjoying unrushed showers. And this week, I finally paid for a haircut and color. (It's been well over a year since I paid for one, thanks to the haircut fundraisers and being an "interview model"...all thanks to the marvelous Mindy). It was long overdue, as are most personal things for me in the past year.

Side note:  What did this girl request for a gift this year?  A work bench and a new set of metal stamps. I just love the metal stamped jewelry. It's never the same piece twice. Imperfect each time. A little messy and frustrating and then all of a sudden, breathtaking simplicity when it's done.  I may get that Etsy page together yet as I find ways to define a me outside of cancer caregiver. Stay tuned!

Hair is a big deal though. It can make you feel fresh and new even in the middle of things. I've always been the person who missed out on doing something more edgy. I often scrimp on the salon and choose other things to spend money on. Growing up I either had my grandma cutting my hair for free or I was worried about going outside the very traditional, long hair box. I kept it uncomplicated.  Ponytail ready. A few years ago I went shorter, but still pretty classic.  And there's been nothing terrible about it. It's been functional. 

But lately I feel so drawn to create things and a life of my choosing. Lately I feel a shift towards etching my own happiness.   Lately I'm not so entangled in expectations of others.  I care deeply about relationships, but I'm working on expending energy on me these days.  And the expense for the salon is worth it...There's really no feeling like it...and I need it as a first symbol of putting *me* back into the equation.  While I've known it's important all along and known that I should be a priority too, life in the BMT arena, or any caregiving, is a huge adjustment. And takes time. I just wasn't ready before. And that's ok. No shame. No guilt. No regrets. I'm finally here and ready to connect with this new woman I've become. 

Maybe it's the cancer. The counting of days, breath holding, that has slowly evolved into a savoring of the minutes and learning to exhale. Maybe it's this new chapter we are in...grounded, settled, loving space to just be. Laughing out loud a lot, in waves of uncontrollable wonder and happiness. (Recently I realized it was just a year ago he learned to laugh again. A moment I will never erase). Or maybe it's working 40 hours in a cube (God bless my job with supportive peers and awesome health insurance...but I still look at 3 walls of muted toned, scratchy fabric, for many hours a week in the name of making a living. But don't misunderstand, it affords me a life with Wil, which IS the life of my dreams, so no big compliants here!). Whatever it is, I'm ready for renewal. And it's already starting. I can feel it welling up from the depths and replacing sorrow. 

As I sat in the chair at the salon this week, being unintentionally unhelpful to my sweet stylist (because I have no vision for this type of creative venture), I told her the theme was "I just made it through the hardest two years of my life.  Alive!   I need something sassy." However she saw fit, I was in for the ride. 

And the color got mixed and applied. And I took time to detach from the road travelled in order to just be there, present for the sights and sounds of the experience...the rinsin' and cuttin'...and hair aflyin'. 

And what I was left with was a whole new, fun, sassy cut. Deeper, red and brown hues highlighted by the occasional blonde strands. A new start to this next life. 

As I have woke up a few mornings with the new style, extreme bed head nowadays (on just the short side though,  LOL!), I've had some time to think about how my newly inspired 'do summarizes where I am right now....And how I see love and marriage and the years and the journey. My hair and all those three...Asymmetrically wonderful. 

 (Mindy, you got it SO right!  And I feel more like me than before.)

The defintion of asymmetrical is this:  the absence of symmetry. A violation to plans. Unexpected. 

Per science we find people with more symmetrical features to have greater beauty. So at least up front we search for proportion. And in many biological ways this is not a bad thing. Sameness. 

Even in our search for that mate and perfect life we are attracted by symmetrical ideas, views, and physicalities...yet true identical symmetry isn't really possible...and I'd argue not always desirable.

The core of the human body, mostly bilaterally a mirror of itself, contains this blessing of asymmetry in our heart. Not the fru-fru pink and red kind you give out with candy today, but that central organ in your chest. Those squishy, spongy things that expand and contract to get us oxygen?  Those lungs are situated around that asymmetrical heart, and guess what?  They evolved to an asymmetrical shape to fit and function alongside it. Two life sustaining organs. Nestled around each other. Neither proportioned, but in harmony.  Between each side and each other. 

We can fight life's asymmetries or grow around them. Some years are longer or harder. Some people are given more or less or different struggles. Sometimes you are the patient and other times the caregiver. And there are moments or stretches where one person goes the distance when the other can't. There's nothing to compare or fix. That's the point. Every piece of this existence has it's value and place.  Unexpectedness is hard but not without a powerful purpose. 

My valentine guy remains more of a complimentary force in my life than any mirror image I had hoped to find. Our marriage is challenging because of the asymmetry of us and the circumstances life has given. Because of this we are growing into our lopsidedness to an even deeper hue of sentience. 

The imbalances of life won't be what we seek.  In our humanness we are drawn to the "safety" of symmetry. Who would want disorder?  It's why we are fortunate to sometimes be in a place of unexpected mercy...even if I could go back and somehow prevent cancer, I'm certain, down to my last cell, that as it stands now I wouldn't.  My stomach drops just typing that because the arrival of who we are has come at high costs and pain.  On one hand we can't wait to be less engulfed by the treatment process. Interference with the long bumpy road that just happened to crash into us?  We wouldn't be here...Exactly where we are...and in the space I know we are supposed to be....without the bumps. 

So for you, my virtual Valentine's, today i wish you love without measure and a life full of unpredictable, incredible wonder...scary as it is...that will set your asymmetrical heart on fire and fill your lopsided lungs with a messy bounty of fresh, unexpected blessings.  Breathe deep and feel the rhythm of all your life is right now. 

(There were no Charlie Brown cards with that exact wish, so I hope that will do!)

Much love.