Safe

Jenny here.

We are moved!  Our new apartment may look like a tiny episode of Hoarders right now, but once the boxes are unpacked, some shelving installed, and the dust settles, I am sure our place will look great!  Our initial big move was the end of May, and we carefully unpacked and got major things and furniture set up pretty quickly.  Then came cleaning out the guest bedroom walk in closet and garage…the last loads coming to the apartment on June 30^th.  Ugh.  I guess it’s near impossible to NOT have all those last things add up to a mix-match of boxes and things to go through later…right?  Or am I the only one?  So give us a month and we will be ready for company, curtains up and all.

Wil and I have been in a weird place lately, like as in trying to understand and tolerate each other. 

It’s almost like a first year of marriage…again.  Don’t get me wrong, our first year of marital bliss was pretty good.  And since then has become a well-oiled machine.  We just celebrated our 16^th year the end of May…yet this year feels pretty new again.   That might SOUND great (fresh, new, exciting) but…do you remember your first year of marriage with all the adjustments, squabbles, figuring out each other?  We soar most days and we are a pretty darn lucky couple in a lot of respects.  Wil is alive, which is everything I could ask for, and more.  This "new again" stuff?  Sometimes I still just want the old him back.  And I think he sometimes wants the old Jenny back too…you know, the guy who was steady and quiet and reserved…and the girl who was free spirited, high energy, and more carefree.  Looking back always is easier...because I know we had a different set of issues then!


I am guessing this is a normal turn of events…and now I get why people break up through trauma and illness.  You go in one way, and out comes two different people, and sometimes in opposite directions.  The comfort and safety of knowing each other so well...not there in the same way.  What breeds safety?  Consistency, predictability...oh yeah, we've had SO much of that in the last 3 years!  Making our way through uncharted territory again, lol.

Side note:  We are nowhere near a breaking point and we have never once thought about calling it quits…but, you know, marriage is not always easy on a regular day.  You don't commit to the same person every day anyway, not if you are growing and challenging each other along the way.  But it definitely has given me lots to ponder about reliable personality traits might be.  In psychology we mostly believe these traits are constants.  Pick someone you can live with and tolerate because they won't change much.  I'm not sure I think the same way about my field anymore!  We are ever evolving and committing to that fact seems safest of all beliefs I can have right now.

Wil wants to live his “bonus time” life.  Wil wants to be foot loose and fancy free, without any ties or restraints.  The world, it’s his freaking oyster.

And I can only summarize my response to his zest as feeling like I want to bubble wrap and keep him in the closet 24/7….while I nap. 

Two completely different extremes, of the same post-cancer journey…he wants to live.  And I want him to live.  We just FEEL very different about how that should look!  I get it, and am supportive of his wants.  I’m just tired, working a lot, and still see his chronic pain and worry.  I have heard enough voices tell me…Let him be…and I do for the most part, I promise.  And he tries to understand how difficult it can be to go from fulltime caretaker back to wife.  I feel like my kid is senior in high school and I have done everything to keep them alive…and now they don’t need me to DO for them or give advice.  Sigh.  This part is hard.  The sending him out into the world, a place that this past week has proven to remind me just how dangerous that can be some days.

July 1 we reached 100 days until his 2^nd stem cell anniversary. The first 100 days felt longer than the last 537 days, since then.  Overwhelming to replay.  On all accounts.  He has his next check up  on Tuesday.  We are hoping for continued good counts.  He is still on the low ends of normal ranges usually, but things have been steady.  His activity level still fluctuates day to day depending on pain.  We recently filled out a functionality report.  It had me in tears.  He is not one to share about how constant and intense his pain can be, even with me (or maybe especially with me).  Every.  Step.  Hurts.  He says “I just try to push through.” And he does it with a smile most of the time, even when exhausted.   He did take the step of getting a handicap placard and cane for the hardest days.  It’s a good thing, but hard to see “permanent disability” written out.

We keep hoping these post-chemo side effects (neuropathy and brain fog) will lessen over time.  For now, they are pretty consistent.  He is enrolled in another class though this term.  I am so proud of his hard work!  And he is also continuing Tai Chi a few times a month to help with balance and mobility, but even more so as a way to deal, emotionally and mentally, with the chronic pain. 

Safe. 

It’s a word I want so much for him.  For us.  Safe and alive.  Yet cancer, often, seems to be just one thing that could take him from me in this world of violence we live in.  So, to preserve my own well-being, I’m off FaceBook for a bit to regroup.  Working in mental health, while the world spins in chaos, means I am dealing with big issues all the time, from the therapist chair and from my cube on crisis line.  No matter where in the country trauma happens, it may come across my phone line.  And being married to a Black male, sending him out the door each day feels more and more difficult too.   When I see him breakdown about the realities of it all, I break too.  I think these traumatic events affect us a bit more than they used to, before cancer, and I am more aware of self-care early now. 

While I have so much more to say on all of that, maybe for another post, know I am alive and well…and quietly living and adapting.  Finding safety in our new little nest.  So forgive me while I take some moments away.   Wil will be online as usual.  And you can find me through our Twitter @Fightbigfight or via e-mail in the meantime.  Catch me those ways if you need me!

Much Love.