Kept

Jenny here. 

Today Wil and I celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. 

On our wedding day, I remember us both laughing when the minister said "for richer or poorer."  At the time we were flat broke. We have looked back at that photo many times, at the laugh the photographer caught, and smiled again. 

These days, economics are not our biggest concern anymore.  We still laugh a lot.  And cry. And curse. And dream. And sometimes cry again.  We are still broke.  But it's our laughter that has kept us.  For 14 years. 

Last year at this time Wil was getting ready for his second biopsy, this time of lymph nodes in his chest.   My heart was sinking. I cried in his arms thinking what if this is it?  What if year 13 is the last one I get with him?  Today is 14.  Still with no guarantees.  There never were any promises in the first place.  Just a commitment to somehow make it work. And that's what keeps us as well. 

Under the wing of love I have grown so much as a wife, but more importantly as a human being. And this past year, 365 days, countless medical appointments and procedures, over 100 nights without him in our house...this year we have fought. But not against cancer.  We are in excellent hands with his medical team. We follow orders given and try to live and increase wellness as we are able. No, the big fight has not been against cancer. 

Instead, we have fought to hang on to the moments.  Hoped for more of them.  And prayed we were somehow stringing together the pictures of our life, caught in the prisms of our tears, in a meaningful way.  We have grappled to hang on to love and let fear go. We have battled for us. 

I thought I knew love.  I thought I knew him and myself and our marriage. These depths I could have never known before. 

It's funny. We aren't even a perfect match. We are actually opposites in nearly every way and the things we do have in common cause us the greatest strife (we are both oldest children, need I say more?)!  Somehow, though, 14 years ago...and only 11 months after our blind date...we made an impulsive, gut instinct and emotional decision to say "I do" (isn't that what most weddings are?  How many of us had any clue how life would shape up, knew all that much about the other, or really thought much past those romantic early feelings?  We like to think we do, but it's often pretty surface stuff and sometimes if we are lucky and work hard and it turns out).  My dear hubby has turned out to be the person I respect most in this world.  And the one I'd pick every time. Even if it meant the same heartaches and heartbreaks. The same fights and tears. My imperfect, perfect partner. 

There are some things in life, if you knew the outcome you'd avoid. But him...my better half...I'd pick him every time. 

Will there be a year 15?  Like anniversary 13, we have no idea.  The way we know we are growing and thriving is that it doesn't matter as much now. I want at least 60 more with this man. But I am blessed with every second, every up and down, to be on this life journey with him. Blessed to be kept and caught up in a commitment that is more than I ever imagined.  Loved. 

These days I'm finding inspiration and comfort in poetry. Because I cannot say it any more beautifully than poet David Whyte, my dear Wil, who I love fiercely...to the hand that belongs in mine...this one is for you. 

The True Love by David Whyte

There’s a faith in loving fiercely the one who is rightfully yours
especially if you have waited years and especially if part of you never
believed you could deserve this loved and beckoning hand held
out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are worthy of in this world.
Years ago in the Hebrides I remember an old man
who would walk every morning on the gray stones
to the shore of baying seals, who would press his
hat to his chest in the blustering salt wind and say his
prayer to the turbulent Jesus hidden in the waters.

And I think of the story of the storm and the people
waking and seeing the distant, yet familiar figure,
far across the water calling to them.
And how we are all preparing for that abrupt waking
and that calling and that moment when we have to say yes!
Except it will not come so grandly, so biblically,
but more subtly, and intimately in the face
of the one you know you have to love.
So that when we finally step out of the boat
toward them we find, everything holds us,
and everything confirms our courage.

And if you wanted to drown, you could,
But you don’t, because finally, after all
this struggle and all these years,
you don’t want to anymore.
You’ve simply had enough of drowning
and you want to live, and you want to love.
And you’ll walk across any territory,
and any darkness, however fluid,
and however dangerous to take the one
hand and the one life, you know belongs in yours.