Baby, baby

Jenny here.  We have big news...at least to us!

Wil has been 100% bathroom independent (and successful) for 5 days now!  He has also only been using the walker for community outings and never needs it around the house now. What this means...he can be home alone safely, I sleep through the night, less laundry, and we even had a family day at my sisters new house on Sunday. He's laughing, smiling, and really a participant in our life now.  Sunday will be our big trip to the movies for a date night!  We haven't seen a movie in the theater since probably September. This is a strange thing having been part of an active movie group for the past 8 years and seeing several a month B.C.

 He is still sleeping several times a day, but able to be up more. We can sit through an entire episode or two of Dexter or Walking Dead (in training for that movie!). At PT he is doing triple of what he did the session before. My baby is back, just a little more subdued. It really makes it hard to believe that it's very likely a week from now he will be back in UTSW. We will find out a timeline on Thursday. Fighting the fight. I know we can't stay in this place of quiet for long, but it's sure been nice.

As I paid the quarterly semen storage bill yesterday (yes, you read that right...and yes, the bill ACTUALLY says that), it made me think of all the conversations we have been forced to have in the last 90 days.  Many conversations are ones everyone should think about having, but that most of us would rather pretend won't be needed.

Being in my mid 30's, having "done the right thing" by getting married, getting through school and into a career...being in a "good place" to think about a baby...none of those plans made any difference the day Wil was admitted into UTSW.  From the first conversation with the oncologist we had no time to decide anymore. It was now or never to "make a couple of deposits" before Wil started chemo. Within hours, Wil was transported to fertility. We were told upfront that Wil will be sterile from the intensive chemo when all is said and done.

It's hard to think about a baby when you are fighting for your own life. We have no idea if/when/at all we could try for a baby. So for now, we keep hope alive on ice. I pay the quarterly bill and cry. I'd pick Wil surviving cancer over a baby time and time again, but that doesn't change wishing for both. Working in a field full of kids, it's always a reminder of all the things that may never be. (I've actually had several people close to me say, with the best intentions, "you are so lucky you didn't have children" and "maybe God has different plans." Again, I get it would be harder right now with kids...but man, what a cruel reminder of reality).

I'm comforted by the fact I have friends and family that have been at this intersection of reproduction. Not just because of cancer, but any issue that has kept them from their family dream. It's a lonely place to be in a world of families with kids. I know we still have options, and for that we are blessed. It's hard to think that by the time Wil is through treatment (if all goes as planned), I will just be shy of 40. Pregnancy, if it ever happens, will not just come to be without medical intervention.  Limited chances. Something you carry on your heart all the time. Families I work with ask all the time about kids. It never bothered me before when it was a choice on my terms. The human experience...you always think you have more time and that it will never happen to you.

But it's one of many difficult conversations we have had to have...add it to the list: Living wills, financial future, jobs, school, and "your (fill in behavior) is affecting us by..." boundary talks.  I know there will be more. For now, I am happy to have any conversation with my sweet baby. Happy he can talk, walk, and that he is in good spirits.

Wil has told me today he just doesn't think he will have the energy to blog. He doesn't care about things like that the way he used to, when he had a desire to have a well viewed blog. He jokes it only took cancer to get that wish!  His eyes get big when he sees the view count rising. I can't believe it either. We are pretty boring people who just want to work hard, do some good, and fit in a few more vacations.

He has agreed to tweet though, so I set up a twitter account.  Feel free to check us out on Twitter @fightbigfight where Wil will start giving out a few thoughts while I keep up with more extensive posts here.

You can also contact us and send love to him at  fightthebigfight@gmail.com. His other accounts are all but abandoned, and it's been a bear for me to get access to things (his memory on passwords has not been super accurate). So if emailing, this new account is a good place to actually catch us.

Much love.