No Apologies

Jenny here.  Today is Wil's 41st birthday!  I cannot wrap my head around the last year.  365 days ago, we had JUST moved into our house and were celebrating his birthday by watching the Superbowl among friends and boxes.  Next month we will come up on the year anniversary that all of this health jazz started, or I should say of us knowing there was an issue.  I feel extra contemplative, running those 365 days through my memory stores.  A lot can change in a year.

Wil, dear Wil.  He is doing more and more at home and PT.  He is still his biggest opponent and I remain his biggest fan.  I get plenty of serious (but wonderful and hilarious) glares as I push him toward what I KNOW he can do.  I keep telling him, if the shoe were on the other foot I would want him to do this for me...to push me and love with tenacity. Some day he may know how much it pained me to see him struggle, how every fiber of my soul wants to jump in and take it away, to do the hard stuff for him.  Some day he will know I turned my head away so he didn't see how hard it was to let him try and try again at tasks he used to do easily. I say, "try it again one more time" and then I walk away to keep composure.  But this is good stuff.  The right thing is rarely the easiest thing, right?  We are both getting stronger.

His PT is very upbeat and fun.  She encourages me to keep consistent.  She will never know how validating it is for me to hear her say to him at every session,"You sure did marry the right person!"  Outside of the medical professionals and the supportive people in our life, the day in day out can make a caregiver just feel mean sometimes to push so hard. And not every friend or family member sees it that way or keeps their opinions to themselves.  To others out there with a friend or family member who is ill, be kind to the caregiver.  The emotional, mental, and physical load is already so heavy.  Be careful about the extra load your opinions add.  You just can't know unless you are there...and by that I mean, day in and day out, and at every appointment.  I am finding the warrior wife inside of me more each day lately.  You can argue with me, judge me, question me.  I have spent almost 15 years of my adult life with Wil.  No one loves him more.  I show up every day and do the hard things...every day.  There is not a single person who can say that other than me. 

Side note and personal confession:  Every lesson I need lately can come in the form of a Bon Jovi song.  Nothing puts a smile on my face more in the car. "No apologies" is now stuck in my head.  But it's true.  I can't back down and won't from anything Wil needs.  You are with us, or not with us.  No apologies.  Wil is tired of hearing us scream sing out all the greatest hits when my sister and kids are over. :)

Gosh, where did all that come from?  I guess I am having a proud moment today after a really long week.  Wil did all his PT session without his walker this morning.  He did the bike.  He walked stairs.  He stood like a flamingo!  And he was the cutest 6'4", 330lb bird I have ever laid eyes on.  And I am having a proud moment for myself too, because we have done this together.  Very different roles, but as a team.  Internally I think I am gearing up for this next round.  T-minus a few weeks and we are back at UTSW.

We celebrated his birthday last night by another Super Bowl party.  Smaller this year, but with close people who Wil chose.  People that we have called "family" before, but mean so much more to us this year.  These are the local people who keep showing up.  As we slow clapped while he walked in the room, as we watched him blow out his candles and make a few funny and sarcastic looks for all the attention we were throwing his way, my heart smiled.  Wil smiled.  I looked around and saw people who I love everywhere.  There was great energy.  He said his favorite part was being able to blow out his candles.

We laid in bed by 9:30pm last night watching Hulu, with my head squarely planted on his shoulder.  "Hold my hand.  I'm worried and I don't know why," he said.  "I don't know what I would do without you.  I am sorry that I brought cancer into your life."

OUR life, sweet hubby.  And no one brought jack!  Cancer showed up through some sort of genetic and environmental collision.  It hit.  That's why we have felt run over!  I told him, "You did nothing wrong.  Our life is different.  But what will never be different is this...us.  We were great before.  Great now.  Cancer can never change that."  He continued to say how sorry he was, how he worries about me.  While I don't want him to worry, this is also how I know my Wil is coming back.  He doesn't really remember December much.  I sighed, then whispered to him "No apologies"  (and I even reframed from pulling out my finger mic and to finish the chorus).