Reach

Jenny here. Another few days have flown by. I'm already into the "Wednesday"  of my work week.

Sometimes I go a few days before I wake up with a thought on my mind I want to blog. People have said "just post a little blurb on progress."  The blog writing almost always includes tears, and tears, well, they don't always fit into the daily grind schedule. So I reserve out a space, I guess through writing these, where I am forced into a corner, but peaceful place, and process through current happenings.  I write these for Wil. I want them to mean something to him.

I woke up with one word on my heart today: reach. There are several definitions to that word and all of them seem to be happening at once these days--stretching, putting forth energy, extending, touching, attainment, success.  We are smack dab in to middle of "reach."

Right now I live with two men who say "meh" and "it's ok" and "no big deal" to EVERYTHING.  It may be a personality thing, but this morning, after 48 hours bathroom accident free/independent, after Wil fully changed his clothes and dressed himself for PT, after he sat at the table with me eating breakfast, I said ENOUGH!  This is miraculous!  It is wonderful!  This is the cumulative force of weeks and months of hard work to do these tasks solo.  And I will celebrate!

Wil shook his head at me like it's just another day (the head shake he has learned to do through many of my extroverted adventures and dramas in our marriage).  I took his face and squished it between my hands. "You did this. THIS IS A BIG DEAL! I'm so proud of you!"

I get it. No husband wants a one woman cheering section for going to the bathroom alone. When he reached for his shoes and actually put those on too?  There were tears for me. In the face of so many set backs in the past couple of months, my heart, so stretched, has to cheer.  I hugged him. And he hugged back.

My arms now reach all the way around. I don't even remember the last time I could literally hug him all the way around. He's never been a super cuddly person but he's always hugged and you forget after years with someone that a hug can feel so fresh and new after being absent. But these days, as I slip quietly into bed after work, I find him scooching up to me while still asleep, throwing both arms around me, and holding on tight.

People say be careful what you wish for...all I have ever wanted was more time with him, like this, just more time. In years past I'd been working so much we rarely saw each other, at times working completely opposite shifts. I could go weeks without sleeping next to him, days without seeing him. I didn't wish for cancer, but the divine plan of the universe continues to give me grace and energy and the true intentions of my heart along the way, even through the cancer. Now days, at home, I get a nap and a night next to him everyday. The sweetest words are hearing him say "come to the middle" (of our king size bed) because he feels safe snuggled in with me and the pups. We feel safe too. It's a lovely life.

Some day, when he reads these posts, I hope he sees that while I was celebrating the attainment and the success of tasks, even more I was welcoming home the touching little bits and pieces of my husband.  My sweet guy keeps extending himself to me a little more each day.  Sometimes its in the smallest acts (putting the seat down on the toilet, adjusting the TV so I can see while cooking supper, telling me he loves me, noticing how I feel) that I can see he is coming back to being present with me. He has enough of his own energy now that he is starting to do caring behaviors he just couldn't before.

Wil, my dear, sweet, wallflower of a friend and partner, forgive me for my enthusiasm and outing your success, no matter how trivial you think it to be. I just can't contain my celebration of all the "reach" along the way these days.  And when you finally read this Wil, I want you to know that there are many great love stories about the places, and reach, that love took people. There are great love stories all around.

But ours. Ours will always be my favorite.