Evolve and Leap

Jenny here.

First, updates on Wil. Every day he is improving!  He has used the bathroom with minimal assistance twice, is feeding himself every meal, talking a little more each day, and using a walker for short distances in therapy. Yesterday we had labs taken at UTSW. His oncologist ended up being sick so we will see her on Friday with more labs. Bilirubin is at 2.7!!!  And once it hits 1.3 they will say his liver is at normal again. Hemoglobin and potassium were a little lower but not concerning. White counts holding steady. Most likely Friday we will discuss chemo treatment plan.

At this point I'm not sure if Wil will be home, at the nursing home, or at UTSW next week. It's a toss up depending on timing and course of treatment. Fingers crossed...for no particular preferred outcome but just for the right one (ok, maybe fingers crossed to be out of the SNF!).

This past summer my niece said something to me that changed my life. She said "Auntie, sometimes you just have to let things evolve."  Age 6. Sure, it was about Thai iced tea and how if she gave things a chance, feelings change. I asked her what it meant to evolve and she said "things change over time."  I'm more or less a take life into my own hands and make it happen, rely on yourself life perspective. But no matter what, life is evolving on its own, and quickly these days. I can fight it or go with it. It will always surprise me if I open myself up. Kids are so smart.

Yesterday I spent 11 hours with Wil between the doctor appointment and just quality time with him and visitors.  I don't see him much over the weekend so it was great just to be there.  He had a great day. For the first time in a month, we have been able to have short conversations about nitty gritty things...conversations about how to manage life, cancer, choices, faith, money, and everything in between. Wil has always balanced me out. I tend to take some chances, he tends to ground me.  Lately those roles have changed because I get scared to make the wrong move. Sometimes each choice feels like a leap without a net.

Then it came to the conversation about my work.  The past month I have not been at my contract job. It has made life bearable and some sort of balance possible. For the past few years I have been working 70 hours a week. With my regular job and private practice I work about 45 hours a week. I've continued working those two throughout Wil's treatment but had not been working my 20-25 hours of contract. Strangely, working so much before made 40-50 hours, plus Wil's treatment, feel manageable. I mentioned to Wil yesterday that I needed to return.  He started to cry. I said I just want to do everything I can do to make it. He knows returning would mean several days of doubles and me not seeing him. Wil, my no risk taking partner said "No, don't do it. It will be ok. Have faith."  He told me he worries about me. The same thing that several others have echoed to me. Wil is priority now and I can't do it all.

In my heart I have been struggling for weeks. My contract work pays our rent. His disability should be in effect by June if everything goes as planned which would then take it's place. My other work covers everything else. While I have understood Wil's desire for me to quit, I've been so fearful.  How will it work?  We have survived 2 months through the kindness of family and friends and with a few new referrals to private practice. We have been blessed. Over and over and over a net has appeared.

When I saw Wil tear up, my struggle between making things happen in my life vs. letting it evolve based on faith was confirmed. I have to quit my contract work. Life B.C. I could work 70 hours and never see my family. Last year my only wish was to have more time with Wil. Life after cancer, I just can't be away from him that much. Clarity.  Evolution of my faith. So I emailed my supervisor who has been very supportive and was honest. And I quit today. I will finish out some things next week and then focus the energy I had spent worrying about that job into our journey.

No lie, my stomach is in knots but my heart is at peace. Wil's right. It will work out. Please pray for new clients and my practice in the coming months..of my upper fee level...and courage for me.

Leap.