Flow

Jenny here.

I'm sitting here watching Wil sleep. For the first time in 2 months, he moved over and wanted me to take a nap with him.  I laid there for awhile, but it's hard to take my eyes off him.

We were in such a holding pattern for the last 2 weeks. Even his blood work was pretty consistently not improving.  But this week...it's amazing the changes that we are seeing.  If you saw Wil between Christmas and the first few days of 2014, you would be surprised at how much!  He continues to have more energy, he is alert, his moods have stabilized, and that mouth....the source of so much defeat...is now starting to move and work more normally.  His speech is slowly improving and he is starting to communicate.  It is still a lot of work, but he can get 2-3 word sentences out if he concentrates.  AMAZING.  He is eating and, drum roll, CHEWING slowly.  Wil wanted Taco Bell today.  I was not sure, but got him a chicken burrito.  He ate the entire thing, bite by bite.  Once he is back on chemo, it will be an immunosuppressed diet, so no outside food.  He's enjoying a few treats until then.

We were at UTSW for labs again today.  The whole process worked out so much more smoothly this time and he had no O2 issues, VIP treatment straight back to get blood and a recliner to wait for results.  His kidneys are back to normal, white counts holding steady, no transfusions of platelets needed.  And for the big number we are looking at, his bilirubin or liver number, he is now at 3.9.  Downward trend continues!  3.1 counts to go until normal.  This, we are told, is the main reason everything is improving this week.  Take care of your liver folks, although it can recover, its SO very important.

His main oncologist is back next week from vacation and we will see her Tuesday.  Her PA said, "now we will start the art of medicine."  Because the typical protocol damaged his liver, Wil may just get his very own special cocktail of chemo, tailored to him.  Who would have thought.  My guy is one of a kind in every way.

As for me, this is the happiest day in months.  He looks, he half smiles, he sleeps, he eats.  He is not back to where he was 2 months ago, but I feel like we have crawled out of the valley, maybe in a wheelchair and with support of a walker, but crawled out all the same.  Chemo is no joke, but compared to the liver and steroids catastrophe, he and I are looking forward to maybe just the normal exhaustion, fatigue, low appetite of cancer treatment.  The very things we were so afraid of in the beginning, would be a welcomed new chapter because we will be on our way to getting that cancer in remission.

I joke that I am a woman on the edge.  It's no lie.  Some days I am on the edge of collapse or crazy town.  Then other days I am on the edge of a transformation.  I am bull headed, analytical, and hard working.  Until recently, I am not sure I would have said I am assertive because I tend to be a people pleaser.  But when life clarifies what is important, some risks don't seem as big.  Some problems aren't even a cause of stress anymore.  I'm finding more space these days to speak my own truth with less worry.

I'm in awe of the ebb and flow of life.  The light, the dark.  The opposites.  The contrasts.  How It's OK to ask for what you need and not back down.  Advocate for yourself.  Allow yourself to be held up by others while you fight the big fight.  Stand your ground when you know it's the right thing.

Each day I find something new in this journey.  2 weeks ago it was a lot of pain.  But life continues to flow.  I never thought I was fighter, until recently.  Onward and upward.