Jenny here.
It's been a fast few days. Sunday marked the beginning of my new work schedule with Sunday's off! It was a great day. The rest of the week I will work evenings, days at home taking care of Wil and taking him to appointments. This week he has appointments Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday!
I've been wanting to blog because there are things I want to say and share, but there are just things that aren't blog appropriate and instead I've had some talks in person or via text/email about parts of life right now that are not ready for mass publication. Wil and I think of ourselves as pretty open books. But down and around the twists of this road, there are other people to consider as well. How is that for cryptic!
When I find myself in times like these, I think back to a life changing experience I had a few years ago. Now, if you know me, I am open to the "non traditional." While I have done regular therapy for myself, been a therapist for years, and have lots of great people in my life, I also value experiences that allow you to go further. I've done yoga therapy, mindfulness work, and a few years ago did an integrative breath work retreat with a sweet friend. If you haven't heard of Integrative Breathwork, it might sound strange, so stay with me while I give you a mental picture: Laying on the floor cocooned in blankets, dark room, loud speaker system with stirring music, progressing from tribal drums to almost angelic instrumentals, with every kind of music in between to represent various emotional states and shifts. For 2 hours you allow your mind and breath to flow as it gets carried away with the music and you enter an aware, yet dream like state. Not hypnosis exactly, but similar. Are you judging yet? I know to some it may sound too off the map and that's OK. It's not for everyone. While you lay there, trained therapists (who also train in energy work and music therapy) walk the room and assist as needed. You have a friend by your side in case you need water, tissue, a hand to hold. A safe environment to tap into a deeper symbolic level of yourself.
During those hours of the retreat my mind raced. I saw myself running. Through dark, scary alleyways, through forests that rivaled Hunger Games, being chased. I ran for most of my 2 hours that day, with a feeling that I needed help but couldn't risk stopping, couldn't risk trusting. A deep sense of longing for others but being alone. Wil would pop up throughout, but I didn't even stop for him, I kept running until I hit a beach where I had a choice to swim across or face whatever was chasing me. Wil was there at the beach. If you know Wil in real life, you know he can't swim. I was caught between swimming and leaving him or staying. Fighting or dragging Wil out to tread water.
I won't tell you the ending to my saga because it wasn't the end that impacted me so much about that experience.
After you finish the 2 hours, your friend leads you to an art room where you are free to document your journey any way you want (a piece you take with you to the group therapy session the next day). When I left that room, a few of the therapy guides came to me and said they normally don't ask people directly about their experiences, but were curious about mine. I guess throughout my "running," they felt lead to come to me and touch my shoulder. They felt I was, energy wise, calling out for help. Yet every time they approached they felt me putting up a wall as if to say, don't. I kept drawing people close but unable to accept the support. You know, back then I got the lesson, but still continued "running" and not stopping or receiving help.
Now I am sorting through how support presents itself, often in ways we would not expect, in imperfect situations, while still safeguarding my dear husband so he can be as stress free as possible. I wish I could put him in a vacuum where no one could hurt him.
I don't have the answers. Gosh, I would like to know how this all ends, but only because I want to attach myself securely to the "perfect" ending, the one of my dreams where everything comes together like I think it should. That's a nice thought,, and maybe will be true, but not overly helpful in the long run because the future is unknown and I have enough to handle right here in the present. What I do now, is just stop and lay in the field and breathe.
Today, life remains complicated and wonderful. I'd appreciate some prayer for the complicated, yet not blog appropriate, parts of the ride right now.
Some experiences I may be more ready to share in time. I'm in kind of a holding pattern with my thoughts some days, but I know in reality I am working on getting through them. I have time, now that I am down to 45 hours of work a week, to think and see things I did not have time for even a few weeks ago, more processing to do even from that experience years ago... Feelings I had no room for while I was running through my forest.
Wil is continuing to walk more, have more energy to sit up and watch TV, working hard at PT. Bathroom issues are still something we are trying to conquer...laundry is still a big chore at times. He has his oncology appointment and labs this Thursday to see if that liver is ready for chemo. Our big goal before he goes back in is seeing a movie in the theater...since he won't be out and about in the germ places after his immune system is down again. It's a good goal that he is excited about!! I'm thinking a great birthday gift :)
The next week, regardless of the results, will be at home continuing to gain strength. Let the breath breathe itself.
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