Day 43 in Captivity

Jenny here.

Can it really be Christmas Eve already?  I see the indications all around.  Santa hats, people talking about leaving work early. Lights. Glimmer.

I'm here at UTSW in jeans and my green John Deere T-shirt that says "That's how I roll."  I think this is as Christmas-y as I get. It's been a busy day. He had his rehab floor assessment this afternoon. It doesn't sound like a go. He may just be too weak. So although we are waiting for official word on that front (I'm not uncrossing my fingers and toes until I hear them say the words), I'm speaking with other facilities as plan B. Picking sight unseen, I'm afraid, because I work tonight and tomorrow night. Oh how I'd love to call in but I'm not even sure I have much PTO left. He's ready, medically, to be discharged.  I am trying to call in the troops and have someone here for the time I'm gone. I just can't let him transition again alone.  So Christmas most certainly will probably be a moving and settling day.

It's so sweet that many staff tell him he is a favorite. I'm especially touched by the men who are nurses and therapists. They seem to take special time and care with him with man to man chit chat.

Last night he was crazy. Crazy funny until he reached absolute frustration and melt down. He went from saying things like "I lost my filter!" while cussing cancer up and down and doing Animal from the Muppets (his voice sounds like it now since all his muscle control went crazy) to almost tears saying "I just can't do this."  I left around midnight knowing it would be a tough night but desperate for my own sleep. When I returned this morning he had been moved to a naughty room (across from nursing station again) because he had gotten out of bed and ended up on the floor. The staff said he barely slept. It's almost as if he gets in a somewhat dream state. He knows where he is but his dreams mix and mingle with reality.  Like when I swore I had lost my ring because my dream was so real the other night and I had to see it before I could believe that I still had it. If that makes sense. He knows he feels crazy because his thoughts don't seem right yet his mind still wanders where it wants.

Keep him in your thoughts. I'm off to work...